The Sports Wannabe

I realize you have already been asked this question. A lot. And before you send me an email explaining why you believe your candidate of choice is the second coming of Regan, let me explain two things. First, I do not care. I was 6 months old when Regan left office. I know about his policies, politics and personality. But, attempting to remind me of the good old days when Regan was in office will be telling me “Elect Mitt Romney and he will privatize craping yourself”. Secondly, while I’m sure you think you are “engaging in democracy”, the odds that some psuedo-patriotic dumb ass wearing an American flag t-shirt from Wal-Mart will show me the light are pretty slim.

So, who am I supporting, you ask? I have watched most of the debates, taken the online tests to see who I am most in line with, and read through each candidate’s economic plan (oh wait, none of them actually have one). After mulling it over, I came to one conclusion: It is so ass backwards that we vote for a candidate and not on issues I will refuse to support anyone in this election.

I have heard more about Obama’s race, Clinton’s “crying episode”, Romney’s religion, Guiliani’s bad day September 11th, and Edward’s Father than I ever cared to know. I have no problem knowing about the person I am voting for, but I care more about what they believe in politically. How many people in your office have told you who the will be voting for, but give no explanation beyond a name? They can’t elaborate because they have no idea why they tattooed a comb with “Edwards” across the handle on their ass, except that some talking head told them to.

Lets even look at this on a larger scale. How many people (especially the under 23 crowd) will scream they political affiliation from the rooftops but couldn’t explain there stance on tax reform other than “They are the minus numbers on my paycheck right?”.

So, when I am asked who I support in this election, I will respond with this: “I plan to vote for the letter “X”, because I feel it is grossly underused. Out of curiosity, what part of (insert name of cardboard cutout here)’s economic stimulus plan are you most optimistic about?” . Then I will prepare for “we will.. at the end of the day… get more.. money?”.

Just nod yes, and pat them on the head.

Till next time I speak to someone,

Samuel

I realize you have already been asked this question. A lot. And before you send me an email explaining why you believe your candidate of choice is the second coming of Regan, let me explain two things. First, I do not care. I was 6 months old when Regan left office. I know about his policies, politics and personality. But, attempting to remind me of the good old days when Regan was in office will be telling me “Elect Mitt Romney and he will privatize craping yourself”. Secondly, while I’m sure you think you are “engaging in democracy”, the odds that some psuedo-patriotic dumb ass wearing an American flag t-shirt from Wal-Mart will show me the light are pretty slim.

So, who am I supporting, you ask? I have watched most of the debates, taken the online tests to see who I am most in line with, and read through each candidate’s economic plan (oh wait, none of them actually have one). After mulling it over, I came to one conclusion: It is so ass backwards that we vote for a candidate and not on issues I will refuse to support anyone in this election.

I have heard more about Obama’s race, Clinton’s “crying episode”, Romney’s religion, Guiliani’s bad day September 11th, and Edward’s Father than I ever cared to know. I have no problem knowing about the person I am voting for, but I care more about what they believe in politically. How many people in your office have told you who the will be voting for, but give no explanation beyond a name? They can’t elaborate because they have no idea why they tattooed a comb with “Edwards” across the handle on their ass, except that some talking head told them to.

Lets even look at this on a larger scale. How many people (especially the under 23 crowd) will scream they political affiliation from the rooftops but couldn’t explain there stance on tax reform other than “They are the minus numbers on my paycheck right?”.

So, when I am asked who I support in this election, I will respond with this: “I plan to vote for the letter “X”, because I feel it is grossly underused. Out of curiosity, what part of (insert name of cardboard cutout here)’s economic stimulus plan are you most optimistic about?” . Then I will prepare for “we will.. at the end of the day… get more.. money?”.

Just nod yes, and pat them on the head.

Till next time I speak to someone,

Samuel

Sometimes we have moments that give us perspective. The proverbial slap in the face to remind you that “it could be worse”. The moment when your shoulders slowly slump, your eyes glaze over, and you can feel the moment sink into every bone in your body. For a moment, your world has equilibrium. Can you remember the last time you felt this?

It may seem naive, and it may feel as if you have heard this same bullshit thrown at you time and time again. You may even suggest I misread the cough medicine directions again. But, lets be honest, how else does one follow up a column on the NFL draft?

I want you to stop everything. Turn off the TV, iPod, and laptop (no wait! keep that on… just close TMZ.com). Stop doing your make up or slathering more hair gel on. Stop and just think with no distractions.

Since, I can assume you haven’t done any of these things, turn off your laptop now. I don’t want you reading this. You are too self absorbed, too stressed, and have drank a wee bit too much mass media Kool-Aid to be here.

For those of you who actually set down your (insert radiation emitting device here), and decided to read, and those of you whose ego is too big to do something the screen told you to do, I will continue.

Today, I had the pleasure of dealing with an individual who helped me more than she could have ever imagined. She was displeased with my handling of her computer repair. It had been out too long, I had been rude, the lighting wasn’t right and the humidity was not to her liking. As I explained to her that the viruses her pornography habit spawned were causing the delay. Naturally, she angrily “explained” she had never looked at such content and was offended that I would suggest such an act from a woman of such high moral fiber. More Bullshit.

As I was reamed by this valued customer, my eyes wandered to the right of the bulging vain in said customer’s head. I watched as a distraught soul in a burgundy coat wrestled with a power cable. I walked away from the sweating, and now purplish mound of anger to assist the now hog tied woman whom had drawn me in moments earlier.

As I reached for the cable to help assist, she recoiled when seeing my hand.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to scare you… can I give you a hand?”, I implored.

“Ye.. yes, thank you.”, the woman uttered from under the heavy wool hat.

As I helped organize the pile of computer components that Mary had been wrangling, she explained the reason for her trip. She wanted pictures taken off of her computer, and turned into a photo CD. As she attempted to pull the worlds from her jumbled mind, her eyes wandered across the ground, looking for confidence to make it through this conversation.

Throughout the process of finding the exact folder to extract the photos from, Mary explained to me that this was her son’s computer. She read the exact folder location from a piece of paper. Her son had written her directions, on his goodbye note, before he ended his life at age fourteen. He had set aside photos for her, that he wanted to comfort her with.

I tell you all this not in attempt to pry a tear from your eyes or sound dramatic. I’m not making this for a future chain letter that I will distribute through whatever social networking site is in vogue 4 years from now. I only did this for me, and I decided to bring a few of you along.

I asked you to free yourselves of distractions while you read this. This wasn’t an attempt to have you pay closer attention and attempt to comprehend my superiority . I just wanted you to feel the emptiness that Mary is confronting. She can’t numb the pain with television pundits, Plain White T’s songs, or a text message.

Obviously, most of us could never truly feel the pain of loosing a child in this manor. But, we can expose ourselves to the real world. We can quit numbing ourselves with excess. The real world isn’t normally sad. But the only time we see through the smoke emitted from society’s hash pipe is during tragedy.

Next time you decide to lay into someone over an “injustice”, or decide to slam a celebrity for the way they live theirs lives, take a moment to wipe away the fog. Ask yourself, “was this the darkest day of my life? Is this worth reacting as if it was?”.

Soak it up. You just thought for yourself.

Till the next time I get it,

Samuel

Sometimes we have moments that give us perspective. The proverbial slap in the face to remind you that “it could be worse”. The moment when your shoulders slowly slump, your eyes glaze over, and you can feel the moment sink into every bone in your body. For a moment, your world has equilibrium. Can you remember the last time you felt this?

It may seem naive, and it may feel as if you have heard this same bullshit thrown at you time and time again. You may even suggest I misread the cough medicine directions again. But, lets be honest, how else does one follow up a column on the NFL draft?

I want you to stop everything. Turn off the TV, iPod, and laptop (no wait! keep that on… just close TMZ.com). Stop doing your make up or slathering more hair gel on. Stop and just think with no distractions.

Since, I can assume you haven’t done any of these things, turn off your laptop now. I don’t want you reading this. You are too self absorbed, too stressed, and have drank a wee bit too much mass media Kool-Aid to be here.

For those of you who actually set down your (insert radiation emitting device here), and decided to read, and those of you whose ego is too big to do something the screen told you to do, I will continue.

Today, I had the pleasure of dealing with an individual who helped me more than she could have ever imagined. She was displeased with my handling of her computer repair. It had been out too long, I had been rude, the lighting wasn’t right and the humidity was not to her liking. As I explained to her that the viruses her pornography habit spawned were causing the delay. Naturally, she angrily “explained” she had never looked at such content and was offended that I would suggest such an act from a woman of such high moral fiber. More Bullshit.

As I was reamed by this valued customer, my eyes wandered to the right of the bulging vain in said customer’s head. I watched as a distraught soul in a burgundy coat wrestled with a power cable. I walked away from the sweating, and now purplish mound of anger to assist the now hog tied woman whom had drawn me in moments earlier.

As I reached for the cable to help assist, she recoiled when seeing my hand.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to scare you… can I give you a hand?”, I implored.

“Ye.. yes, thank you.”, the woman uttered from under the heavy wool hat.

As I helped organize the pile of computer components that Mary had been wrangling, she explained the reason for her trip. She wanted pictures taken off of her computer, and turned into a photo CD. As she attempted to pull the worlds from her jumbled mind, her eyes wandered across the ground, looking for confidence to make it through this conversation.

Throughout the process of finding the exact folder to extract the photos from, Mary explained to me that this was her son’s computer. She read the exact folder location from a piece of paper. Her son had written her directions, on his goodbye note, before he ended his life at age fourteen. He had set aside photos for her, that he wanted to comfort her with.

I tell you all this not in attempt to pry a tear from your eyes or sound dramatic. I’m not making this for a future chain letter that I will distribute through whatever social networking site is in vogue 4 years from now. I only did this for me, and I decided to bring a few of you along.

I asked you to free yourselves of distractions while you read this. This wasn’t an attempt to have you pay closer attention and attempt to comprehend my superiority . I just wanted you to feel the emptiness that Mary is confronting. She can’t numb the pain with television pundits, Plain White T’s songs, or a text message.

Obviously, most of us could never truly feel the pain of loosing a child in this manor. But, we can expose ourselves to the real world. We can quit numbing ourselves with excess. The real world isn’t normally sad. But the only time we see through the smoke emitted from society’s hash pipe is during tragedy.

Next time you decide to lay into someone over an “injustice”, or decide to slam a celebrity for the way they live theirs lives, take a moment to wipe away the fog. Ask yourself, “was this the darkest day of my life? Is this worth reacting as if it was?”.

Soak it up. You just thought for yourself.

Till the next time I get it,

Samuel

Since my beloved Vikings choked away their playoff chances over the past two weeks, it is now NFL draft season for me. The following is the first round as I see it, based on the end of the regular season standings. Obviously, these projections are subject to change and will be updated frequently as we move closer to draft day.

Round 1

[1] Miami: DT Glen Dorsey [LSU]
This seems to be the consensus number one at this point. An overpowering player that seems as NFL ready as anyone in this year’s draft.

[2] St. Louis: DE Chris Long [Virginia]

The rams need help on defense… anywhere. Long will be a welcome addition to the touch football squad we call the Rams.

[3] Kansas City: OT Jake Long [Michigan]
KC needs to get their o-line together soon. Larry Johnson is already starting to show the Kevin Garnett “knife wielding” face.

[4] Oakland: RB Darren McFadden [Arkansas]
An absolute freak. Go to youtube if you don’t understand.

[5] Atlanta: QB Matt Ryan [Boston College]

While I believe Atlanta will inevitably take Ryan, I’m not quite sold on him as an NFL QB.

[6] New York Jets: DE/LB Vernon Gholston [Ohio State]

6′4″, 260, 4.6 speed. God help any Jets personal in Radio City Music Hall if they pass on this guy.

[7] New England (via San Fransisco): LB James Laurantias [Ohio State]

Belichick says he must trust his linebackers and therefore shys away from drafting them. He also says a lot of things, none of which he means. (quickstory: I “played” against Laurantias in high school. And by play, I mean I was a 9th string o-lineman/whatever position couldn’t possibly touch the ball. I had one play “against” him during my junior year. Summary: I was told to block him. I started to, then jumped at his cleats and rolled into a fetal position. If he could overcome my efforts, he will do just fine in New England)

[8] Baltimore: QB Brian Brohm [Louisville]

How the discussion will go in the draft room: “well, we do have kyl-… yep, call in the pick.”

[9] Cincinnati: DT Sedrick Ellis [USC]

Cincy’s D was pathetic this year. Ellis will plug up the middle and could start early.

[10] New Orleans: S Kenny Phillips [Miami]

If you saw the Saints face the Colts in prime time earlier this season, you know why they need help.

[11] Buffalo: WR Malcolm Kelly [OU]

Buffalo is start to build a decent offense. If Marshawn Lynch is going to improve, they need to develop a consistent passing attack

[12] Denver: WR DeSean Jackson [Cal]

It appears Rod Smith may have hit the end of his career, and Brandon Stokley isn’t that good when he doesn’t have Payton, Marvin, Reggie and Joseph surrounding him. The Broncos need a wide out and DeSean Jackson will give Jay Cutler a great explosive option.

[13] Carolina: LB Dan Connor [Penn State]

Dan Morgan’s durability has put his career in jeopardy and where better than “Linebacker U” to look for a successor?

[14] Chicago: QB Andre Woodson [Kentucky]

Honestly, I don’t see Woodson getting picked here, but this mock doesn’t take off season moves into account. I expect Donovan McNabb to be wearing navy next year. But if not, Woodson could very well turn into a McNabb like player (strong arm, can move but only when necessary).

[15] Detroit: OT Ryan Clady [Boise State]

The lions really dropped the ball on George foster and they now need to beef up their o-line more than ever.

[16] Arizona: CB Malcolm Jenkins [Ohio State]

Arizona needs add some tools to their pass defense in order to put their talented passing offense in good feild position.
[17] Minnesota: WR Adarius Bowman [Oklahoma St.]

If this guy ends up on the vikes, expect him to compete with AD for my man crush… he is the most underrated play in this draft and head choach Brad Childress will jump at the chance to have a physical wide reciever to block outside for AD and can also be explosive after the catch. The thing that may put Childress off is a couple of easy drops on his film, which the vikes have seen too much this year.

[18] Houston: OT Jeff Otah [Pitt]

Please NFL, get the Texans a left tackle. We have a guy up in Minnesota we are willing to trade for scratch offs… just think about it.

[19] Philadelphia: DE Derrick Harvey [Florida]

With Javon Kearse running out of steam, the eagles desperatly need a pass rush to keep the quarteback honest. Derrick Harvey would give them a huge boost.

[20] Dallas (via Cleveland): CB Mike Jenkins [South Florida]

Dallas needs a #2 CB to compliment Terrance Newman. Mike Jenkins has huge upside and would be a perfect pick.

[21] Tampa Bay: OT Sam Baker [USC]

A wide out wouldn’t be a bad call here but they need to make a path for Cadillac Williams in order to keep the D honest.

[22] Washington: DT Frank Okam [Texas]

No one can criticize last years pick of Laron Landry, but they also needed help on the d-line. They will address that area this year with Okam.

[23] Seattle: RB Jonathan Stewart [Oregon]

Shawn Alexander has become a non-factor and bringing in Stewart, a regional talent, seems to be a great fit.

[24] Pittsburgh: OT Gosder Cerilus [Boston College]

With Alan Faneca more than likely having played his last game in black and gold (unless the pirates sign him to play center), Cerilus will be asked to fill the void.

[25] Tennessee: WR Mario Manningham [Michigan]

Tennessee needs to give Vince Young quality wide outs to throw to (and numerous other necessities), and Mario Manningham would give the Titans a legitimate deep threat for the first time in many years.

[26] NY Giants: LB Keith Rivers [Miami]

The New York Football Giants would greatly benefit from a

[27] San Diego: LB Erin Henderson [Maryland]

His brother has worked out alright, the Chargers will hope he follows the same path to combine with Shawn Merriman to punish runners.

[28] Jacksonville: WR Early Doucet [LSU]

With Matt Jones looking like a total bust and Reggie Williams taking baby steps, the Jags need a wideout.

[29] New Orleans (via Dallas): LB Jerod Mayo [Tennessee]

Yet another hole that needs to be patched on D.

[30] San Francisco (via Indianapolis): DE Quenti Groves [Auburn]

While they showed flashes of talent against the run, the 49er’s pass rush was pretty ugly. Groves will help both categories.

[31] Green Bay: CB Antoine Cason [Arizona]

Cason should be able to step in and help the pack become one of the best defenses in the league.

[32] New England: Decided that the rule book didn’t apply to Bill Belichick…

Till next time I stay up screaming at a picture of Troy Williamson,

Samuel

Since my beloved Vikings choked away their playoff chances over the past two weeks, it is now NFL draft season for me. The following is the first round as I see it, based on the end of the regular season standings. Obviously, these projections are subject to change and will be updated frequently as we move closer to draft day.

Round 1

[1] Miami: DT Glen Dorsey [LSU]
This seems to be the consensus number one at this point. An overpowering player that seems as NFL ready as anyone in this year’s draft.

[2] St. Louis: DE Chris Long [Virginia]

The rams need help on defense… anywhere. Long will be a welcome addition to the touch football squad we call the Rams.

[3] Kansas City: OT Jake Long [Michigan]
KC needs to get their o-line together soon. Larry Johnson is already starting to show the Kevin Garnett “knife wielding” face.

[4] Oakland: RB Darren McFadden [Arkansas]
An absolute freak. Go to youtube if you don’t understand.

[5] Atlanta: QB Matt Ryan [Boston College]

While I believe Atlanta will inevitably take Ryan, I’m not quite sold on him as an NFL QB.

[6] New York Jets: DE/LB Vernon Gholston [Ohio State]

6′4″, 260, 4.6 speed. God help any Jets personal in Radio City Music Hall if they pass on this guy.

[7] New England (via San Fransisco): LB James Laurantias [Ohio State]

Belichick says he must trust his linebackers and therefore shys away from drafting them. He also says a lot of things, none of which he means. (quickstory: I “played” against Laurantias in high school. And by play, I mean I was a 9th string o-lineman/whatever position couldn’t possibly touch the ball. I had one play “against” him during my junior year. Summary: I was told to block him. I started to, then jumped at his cleats and rolled into a fetal position. If he could overcome my efforts, he will do just fine in New England)

[8] Baltimore: QB Brian Brohm [Louisville]

How the discussion will go in the draft room: “well, we do have kyl-… yep, call in the pick.”

[9] Cincinnati: DT Sedrick Ellis [USC]

Cincy’s D was pathetic this year. Ellis will plug up the middle and could start early.

[10] New Orleans: S Kenny Phillips [Miami]

If you saw the Saints face the Colts in prime time earlier this season, you know why they need help.

[11] Buffalo: WR Malcolm Kelly [OU]

Buffalo is start to build a decent offense. If Marshawn Lynch is going to improve, they need to develop a consistent passing attack

[12] Denver: WR DeSean Jackson [Cal]

It appears Rod Smith may have hit the end of his career, and Brandon Stokley isn’t that good when he doesn’t have Payton, Marvin, Reggie and Joseph surrounding him. The Broncos need a wide out and DeSean Jackson will give Jay Cutler a great explosive option.

[13] Carolina: LB Dan Connor [Penn State]

Dan Morgan’s durability has put his career in jeopardy and where better than “Linebacker U” to look for a successor?

[14] Chicago: QB Andre Woodson [Kentucky]

Honestly, I don’t see Woodson getting picked here, but this mock doesn’t take off season moves into account. I expect Donovan McNabb to be wearing navy next year. But if not, Woodson could very well turn into a McNabb like player (strong arm, can move but only when necessary).

[15] Detroit: OT Ryan Clady [Boise State]

The lions really dropped the ball on George foster and they now need to beef up their o-line more than ever.

[16] Arizona: CB Malcolm Jenkins [Ohio State]

Arizona needs add some tools to their pass defense in order to put their talented passing offense in good feild position.
[17] Minnesota: WR Adarius Bowman [Oklahoma St.]

If this guy ends up on the vikes, expect him to compete with AD for my man crush… he is the most underrated play in this draft and head choach Brad Childress will jump at the chance to have a physical wide reciever to block outside for AD and can also be explosive after the catch. The thing that may put Childress off is a couple of easy drops on his film, which the vikes have seen too much this year.

[18] Houston: OT Jeff Otah [Pitt]

Please NFL, get the Texans a left tackle. We have a guy up in Minnesota we are willing to trade for scratch offs… just think about it.

[19] Philadelphia: DE Derrick Harvey [Florida]

With Javon Kearse running out of steam, the eagles desperatly need a pass rush to keep the quarteback honest. Derrick Harvey would give them a huge boost.

[20] Dallas (via Cleveland): CB Mike Jenkins [South Florida]

Dallas needs a #2 CB to compliment Terrance Newman. Mike Jenkins has huge upside and would be a perfect pick.

[21] Tampa Bay: OT Sam Baker [USC]

A wide out wouldn’t be a bad call here but they need to make a path for Cadillac Williams in order to keep the D honest.

[22] Washington: DT Frank Okam [Texas]

No one can criticize last years pick of Laron Landry, but they also needed help on the d-line. They will address that area this year with Okam.

[23] Seattle: RB Jonathan Stewart [Oregon]

Shawn Alexander has become a non-factor and bringing in Stewart, a regional talent, seems to be a great fit.

[24] Pittsburgh: OT Gosder Cerilus [Boston College]

With Alan Faneca more than likely having played his last game in black and gold (unless the pirates sign him to play center), Cerilus will be asked to fill the void.

[25] Tennessee: WR Mario Manningham [Michigan]

Tennessee needs to give Vince Young quality wide outs to throw to (and numerous other necessities), and Mario Manningham would give the Titans a legitimate deep threat for the first time in many years.

[26] NY Giants: LB Keith Rivers [Miami]

The New York Football Giants would greatly benefit from a

[27] San Diego: LB Erin Henderson [Maryland]

His brother has worked out alright, the Chargers will hope he follows the same path to combine with Shawn Merriman to punish runners.

[28] Jacksonville: WR Early Doucet [LSU]

With Matt Jones looking like a total bust and Reggie Williams taking baby steps, the Jags need a wideout.

[29] New Orleans (via Dallas): LB Jerod Mayo [Tennessee]

Yet another hole that needs to be patched on D.

[30] San Francisco (via Indianapolis): DE Quenti Groves [Auburn]

While they showed flashes of talent against the run, the 49er’s pass rush was pretty ugly. Groves will help both categories.

[31] Green Bay: CB Antoine Cason [Arizona]

Cason should be able to step in and help the pack become one of the best defenses in the league.

[32] New England: Decided that the rule book didn’t apply to Bill Belichick…

Till next time I stay up screaming at a picture of Troy Williamson,

Samuel